I once received a message from Marie asking my advice on whether she should marry her boyfriend. He wanted to get engaged, but she still had reservations.
And it’s no wonder. His problems were egregious, indeed. First, Marie was a Christian, and her boyfriend was not. He was also a drug addict. He promised to quit, but Marie caught him in the act. Then there were smaller issues, too, like his spending habits, which were frustrating her.
I hope it’s obvious to most of us that any of these issues could be reason enough to end the relationship. Yet Marie was still considering marriage. Why? Because he promised her everything would be different after they were married, and Marie wanted to believe it.
I soon realized Marie didn’t really need my advice about whether she should look past her boyfriend’s faults and marry him. It was clear she already knew these faults were not sustainable in a marriage. Marie really wrote to ask me if I thought he would change.
Sadly, this is the attitude of many single women. They marry a man with faults they despise, based on the wager that these men will magically transform once they are married. And it never works out that way.
That’s what happened to my friend Cristina who married her husband despite knowing his problem with pornography and lust. She later admitted, “I thought I could help him.” As a result, she acted more like his mother, not his wife. It was a recipe for resentment and disrespect on both sides.
Change is Not the Answer
We shouldn’t come into marriage with the hope that our partner will change because they almost never do. What you need to ask yourself is, can you take him as he is—faults and all—or can you not?
Think of the situation from your own point of view. Imagine if your boyfriend disliked your faults so much he almost didn’t marry you. But he finally decided to tie the knot, planning on the hope you will change so he can tolerate you. That doesn’t fair, does it?
Of course, we all have faults that will most certainly cause some level of trouble. In the dating phase, we usually find a way to express the best version of ourselves and hide our flaws. Our faults and failings don’t show up until after the marriage license has been signed.
That’s when we find out who we really married. Looking back on my own dating experience, poor Robbie never saw me in a bad mood or witness piles of dishes in my sink. All of this showed up after the honeymoon.
Dealing with faults is a normal part of growing in marriage. The molding and shaping begin as we learn to compromise and deal with the issues that cause frustration and even real pain. That’s because we’re all sinners married to other sinners.
You Marry a Sinner
Christian author Elizabeth Elliot reminds women that a spouse is going to have shortcomings. In her book Let Me Be a Woman she says,
“When you decide to marry this particular sinner you have committed yourself to putting up with his particular sins even though you don’t have a clear idea of what they will be. You will begin at once to find them out, and as you do, remind yourself that you married this sinner. You can always look at other sinners and thank God you don’t have to live with their varieties of failure, but then what kinds of sins would you choose if you could choose which to live with?” (p 97).
My husband and I used to say, “We’re not perfect, but we’re perfect for each other.” That means we both have faults; we sometimes disagree. But we can live with each other, even with these imperfections.
Not all sins should be tolerated, though. We all need to decide what we’re willing to live with. And that’s why we need a way to evaluate the problem areas that we see.
Necessary Evaluations
Any problems you perceive while dating are showing despite your partner’s attempts to look the best, and they will be fully revealed in marriage. The question is, can you (should you) live with them? Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes it’s no.
There are many faults I would not have chosen to live with. I would rather remain single than to marry a man with certain sins, such as, lacking a Christian worldview, pornography consumption, alcoholism, drugs, or other signs of abuse.
My advice for anyone considering marriage is to make a list of your partner’s faults. These should be large and small. Put down anything you can think of that bothers you, even if it’s something as small as picking his teeth.
This may sound finicky or silly. But it helps you identify the issues that can make or break the relationship.
First, identify the deal-breakers. These are the problems that guarantee unhappiness and could put you and/or future children in potential danger. In my opinion as a women’s minster and counselor, these problems include:
- Signs of violent temper or physical abuse
- Regular pornography consumption
- Drug use (including misuse of prescription drugs)
- Alcoholism
- Unfaithfulness with other women (or men)
- Religious beliefs that are incompatible
If any of these issues are identified, it’s my advice to break off the relationship. Even if the person promises to get help, don’t move forward. These are issues that need to be resolved long before marriage.
If you don’t have any deal-breakers, evaluate the lesser issues. These are problems like financial responsibility, convictions on raising kids, political views, etc. Go through each one, asking yourself if you can live with this problem, knowing it’s going to get more defined after marriage.
Truth is, you are going to have to choose to live with some faults. None of us are perfect. (Not even you or I!) And marriage is all about learning to compromise, communicate, and grow.
But you’ll have a healthier and more joyful life if you eliminate potential spouses who have faults you can’t (or shouldn’t) tolerate. This process isn’t fool proof—sometimes terrible habits find their way through anyone. But as much as you can choose someone who has faults you can live with.