I had no idea how desperate Christian women were to find satisfying physical intimacy until I heard the Focus on the Family radio program with Jim Daily interviewing Juli Slattery and Dannah Gresh on the research they’ve done about the book series Fifty Shades of Grey. According to the research in their book Pulling Back the Shades, this erotic story is the second best-selling book of all time, surpassed only by the Bible. And even though the book is a twisted abusive love story, women—even Christian women—are defending it mainly based on the idea that it helps with their love life.
I have never read Fifty Shades of Grey, so I’m not about to tackle a topic I know nothing about, but I would recommend the interview and their book Pulling Back the Shades for a compelling argument on how this story has created a dangerous change in mindset for women regarding sex. So rather than go on a rant against the book, I would rather explore the need for satisfying sexual intimacy without any shadiness. You can have a steamy sex life inside the bounds of marriage without any “outside” help at all, and that’s something I do know about.
For the sake of my friends and family, I won’t go into details, but let me just say that my husband and I are both mutually happy with our intimacy. And I don’t mean I’ve just settled into a way of life. I mean, he satisfies me both as a husband and lover.
But this isn’t accomplished by accident. It takes mental work. Sure, reading a book like Fifty Shades could temporarily bring some excitement, but it won’t last. You’ll need the next edgy push, the same way a guy gets numb to pornography and needs dirtier and raunchier levels to reach that high.
The easy path through erotica to an exciting sex life is not healthy in the long run. Think about the process of losing weight. You could take a pill or have surgery, which could help for a short dramatic time, but losing weight is really a mind game—you simply have to control your urges. In the same way, a healthy sex life takes a change in mindset and control of your thought life.
Even though I’m no expert, here are the things I’ve learned along the way to help me enjoy the lovemaking process, both mentally and physically.
1. Take every thought captive. A person’s thought life controls her body. Jesus said, “The [words] that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man” (Matthew 15:18). The mind and body are inseparable. If you think about food, your mouth begins to salivate. If you read a scary book, your heart may begin to race. If you are forced to face a fear, your muscles may tighten or your body break out into a sweat, even when you are in no real danger.
The woman’s sex drive is no different. How you think about your husband will determine how much you enjoy being intimate with him. As wives, critical and judgmental thinking can spin out of control if we’re not careful. Because married couples’ lives are so intricately intertwined, it’s not hard to see the other’s problems and mistakes, something all human beings are riddled with. But those critical thoughts will make you withdraw emotionally, and your body will follow.
In order to have a healthy love life, you have to be in the right frame of mind toward your husband. The Apostle Paul encourages Christians to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When you start hearing your mind rant about your husband’s inconsiderate habits and hurtful mistakes, train yourself to stop and consider if his “problems” are really all that bad.
2. Admire him. It sounds elementary, but you have to have admiring and loving thoughts about your husband. This does not necessarily come natural, even for women with really great husbands. Women have a lot going on and many people to worry about—aging parents, bosses and co-workers, friends at church, multiple children. And sometimes we take our husbands for granted, especially if he is healthy and busy with his own life. So you might go hours without thinking about him in a loving way.
If that’s the case, you must practice loving and admiring thoughts about him from time to time. What do you still find attractive? His eyes, arms, smile, kind heart, funny jokes, tender embrace? Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Even if you’ve completely lost that lovin’ feelin’ you can think of something good about this person. Start at any point. And then express that admiration verbally or even in written form, like a text or FaceBook post. You will start to believe in your heart what you think and say from your mouth.
3. Put your mind in the mood. Throughout the day, think about making love. Think about it before bed. If it would help you feel sexy, take a shower or spray some perfume. Put on a silky gown. Put your mind in the mood and your body will follow.
Then during your intimate moments, concentrate on what’s going on, not your schedule tomorrow or worries of life. Relax your body—that alone can make the process more pleasurable for women. Think about all the parts that feel good and do your best to ignore distractions, like insecurities or fears. There are parts of a woman’s body designed by God to feel good sexually. Refer to the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by William Cutrer, M.D., and Sandra Glahn for more information on this. It’s a very appropriate and practical book on the sexual behavior of married couples from both medical and biblical perspectives. It even includes pictures to help you discover the specifics.
4. Concentrate on being with your husband. I heard a woman once tell a friend that if she’s having trouble in the bedroom, she should just imagine the face of a sexy actor on her husband’s head. That may seem like a harmless prop, but Jesus took our thought life a lot more seriously. He said, “… Everyone who looks at a [man] with lust for [him] has already committed adultery with [him] in [her] heart” (Matthew 5:28). The Christian women who defend Fifty Shades of Grey say it makes them think about sex which improves their sex life. But the problem is that when you put yourself in the story of this erotic novel, your thought life involves someone other than your husband.
Consider this: when you are in the middle of lovemaking, do you want your spouse to be thinking about an erotic porn star or you? Your husband wants your body and your mind! You should be thinking about his love, his face, his embrace—whatever you find attractive. If you can’t make love to your husband without thinking of someone else, fiction or non-fiction, that’s a problem. It’s time to overhaul your thought life and consider what you’re allowing to come in.
5. Talk to your husband about slowing down. It takes a while for women to warm up. That’s just the way God made us. Most husbands want to please their wives, but most wives are embarrassed about telling their husbands what they really want. Find a way to talk to your husband about this. Explain that you want more romance, cuddling, kissing, caressing—whatever you like, and tell him not to finish before you begin. There is a lot of caressing that he can do to get you ready, so that when he’s ready, you both get satisfied. And then enjoy it. Don’t just rush through or consider it a chore to check off your “to do” list.
These five guidelines have helped me have a deep connection with my husband on the most intimate level without help from anything shady—figuratively or literally. We don’t use porn, erotica, props, or any other so called “helps” to heat up our love life. It’s just a man and a woman who appreciate and accommodate the physical satisfaction of the other—pure and beautiful.
I realize there are a whole host of other issues for people in the bedroom, but for the average woman, having a healthy thriving love life is a matter of the heart and mind. For more in-depth reading on the subject and for more help on specific issues, I recommend these books:
- Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
You can also visit their website: www.intimateissues.com
- Rekindling the Romance by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
You can find more articles about sexual intimacy on FamilyLife’s website: http://www.familylife.com/
- Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by William Cutrer and Sandra Glahn
- Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat
Copyright (c) 2019 by Sabrina McDonald