I remember being in my last months of that first pregnancy, watching the weeks tick by. Sometimes those last few weeks appeared to be long and burdensome like walking in deep mud; other times they seemed blurry, like objects you see while rolling down a hill. It was a time of unprecedented change in my life and I struggled with the changes more than I thought I would.
Pregnancy was difficult for me, yet fascinating. Like all new expectant mothers, I had thoughts of fear—health concerns, life and death issues, “what if” scenarios. But I think one of the most difficult battles for me was the fear of losing my identity.
My husband and I made the decision early on that the best choice for our family would be for me to quit my job and stay home with our children. We had to make some financial sacrifices, but we set it up to make that possible. In my heart, I knew that was the best decision we could make, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t struggle with leaving my job. I found a great deal of fulfillment in my work, and to leave that was like leaving a piece of my heart.
The Inner Battle
There was a tug-of-war going on inside me as my thoughts battled out the pros and cons of being a full-time stay-at-home mom. One side of me was overjoyed I had the honor and privilege to stay home with my children. I knew I would be there to hear my baby’s first words and see his first steps. I would have the freedom to take him to the park and the zoo, and I didn’t have to worry about who was going to care for him when he was sick or how we could afford childcare.
The other side of me, however, turned inward, wondering what was going happen to me and my contribution to the world. As a believer, I felt an overwhelming commitment to spread the gospel in and out of my home. I wanted to have opportunities to share principles from God’s Word and minister to those around me.
I realized there were opportunities to use my skills from home in all those ways, but I knew I wouldn’t have time for my passions outside the home like I had before, especially early on. I kept hearing the warnings of other moms echoing in my mind:
- “Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
- “You won’t even have time to clean house.”
- “It’s going to be hard to get anything done except to feed and change the baby. And about the time you get that routine down, he’ll start crawling, then walking. You’ll have less and less time for other things.”
The more comments like this I heard, the more I saw myself shriveling away. I wondered if all my skills and talents were going to wither away, as well. I felt a little embittered as my husband excelled in his job, receiving accolades and rewards, while I began the process of hiring a replacement and moving over files and projects to co-workers.
A Moment of Peace
Feeling somewhat selfish, I mainly kept my thoughts to myself, except for the occasional outburst to my incredibly understanding husband. But I finally confessed to a dear friend, Nikki. I explained my inner struggle and my fear of losing my identity. She kindly sympathized, but her response brought a momentary hush to my inner battle:
“You won’t lose your identity. You will just find out more about yourself than you ever knew before.”
That was a new concept to me at that time. Until that moment, I thought of my decision to be a stay-at-home mom as a choice to become a different person. I felt I had to choose to give up everything that I loved about myself to be a mom. But Nikki’s words reminded me that God created us with multiple dimensions, and there are parts of who I was that I hadn’t even explored yet.
Nikki saw motherhood as an adventure. She helped me see life wasn’t coming to an end. It was just beginning. There were many treasures to uncover on the parenting adventure, not just in the joy of seeing my baby grow, but also in seeing myself grow.
All of this wouldn’t take the place of who I was, but it would become a new facet of whom I already was.
Seeking the Treasure
If you’re thinking of starting a family or facing the daunting nine months of pregnancy, I hope my struggle gives you some courage. My children are now school-age, and I’m still a stay-at-home mom. I love it far more than I ever dreamed. Being a mom hasn’t taken away anything in my life. It has only added, like getting another degree or reaching another level in life.
Sure, being a parent has hard moments, but anything that is worth doing takes work. But that just means watching your children grow while also watching your own character grow in a closer walk with God.
Instead of focusing on what you’re losing, look for the gifts God is offering you and treasure them, like Mary the mother of Christ who “treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19).
Here are a few examples of the treasures I collected during my transitions to motherhood:
- God allowed me to face my fears, challenging me to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). I was forced to trust God by handing over the unknowns, finding peace in His sovereignty.
- God allowed me to face my fears, challenging me to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). I was forced to trust God by handing over the unknowns, finding peace in His sovereignty.
- God allowed me to face my fears, challenging me to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). I was forced to trust God by handing over the unknowns, finding peace in His sovereignty.
- God allowed me to face my fears, challenging me to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). I was forced to trust God by handing over the unknowns, finding peace in His sovereignty.
It won’t be long until the path of pregnancy takes you to the land of mommy-hood. You’ll camp out in pre-school valley for a while, learning and growing along with your new baby (and maybe more children, if God wills). And when your children begin school, you will learn even more things about who God created you to be.
Copyright © 2020 by Sabrina McDonald.