“They kiss, and kiss again. When they do finally pull apart, it’s with a new knowledge. They have a sense that the length of a day is mutable, and you can never see the end from the beginning. They have a sense that love changes all things all the time. That’s what love is for.”
Those words were written by Nicola Yoon, the author of The Sun is Also a Star, one of Hollywood’s latest romances. It’s a beautiful passage, but what does it mean? Let’s break it down. Yoon essentially declares three things about passionate romantic love: It give you new knowledge; it makes time stand still; and it changes everything all the time.
That sounds pretty typical of a Hollywood romance, doesn’t it? Love is supposed to fulfill your every longing and change everything in a whole new beautiful way.
But here’s my question: How do we know that Yoon and the other romance writers know so much about love? If writers and actors were such experts on love, why are Hollywood divorce rates so high? They have some of the shortest relationships on record. Onscreen sweetheart Drew Barrymore was married to Jeremy Thomas only 19 days. Milla Jovovich and Shawn Andrews’ marriage lasted two months. And then there are multiple marriages. Halle Berry and Demi Moore have been married three times, but that’s nothing compared to Zsa Zsa Gabor who still holds the record with 9. She once said, “A girl must marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it.” It sounds like Zsa Zsa believed too many of her own scripts.
Success Stories
Instead of Hollywood, why not listen to the advice of couples who have successful love stories? Like Zelmyra and Herbert Fisher, for example, who hold the world record for the longest married couple—87 years.
A writer for EpicDash.com interviewed the couple, and here is some of their advice about relationships:
How did you know you were right for each other? “We grew up together and were best friends before we married. A friend is for life; our marriage has lasted a lifetime.”
What is the best advice at the end of a day of conflict? “Remember marriage is not a contest, never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win.”
What is the one thing you have in common that transcends everything else? “We are both Christians and believe in God. Marriage is a commitment to the Lord. We pray with and for each other every day.”
The Fisher’s tell a different story from Hollywood about love. They describe a love that proved itself true for a lifetime. It’s based on friendship, team effort, and a commitment to God. I don’t know about you, but I want to hear from someone like this couple who have time-tested proof.
Yet Yoon and the others continue to flood the Silver Screen with “education” about love. Here are a few other lies I’ve identified.
First, Hollywood says you must find your soul mate.
This is the idea that there is only one person in the world who will complete you, and you cannot have a fulfilling relationship with anyone else. I guess that leaves out people like my husband and me who were originally married to our best friends, and then they died. Is all hope lost for us? Must we live a life doomed to discontentedness? No. As my late husband, David, once said, “A soul mate isn’t someone you find; it’s someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.” You create a soul mate through a long-lasting relationship built on commitment and friendship. You can’t find that.
Second, not every couple lives in an urban apartment in the nicest part of the city, where amazing miraculous and dramatic things happen every day.
Most people live in a neighborhood or basic apartment in which beautiful simple boring things happen every day, like watching TV, eating leftovers, and going to church. And you know what? It’s wonderful. Not only is it a lot less emotionally draining and stressful, but when you do experience the occasional amazing miraculous dramatic happenings in life, it means so much more.
Third, not everyone is a quirky loveable individual that is uber cool.
Most of us are average people with average lives. And we’re happy that way. No gypsy clothes, twinkling living room lights, or dinners on the roof needed.
In addition, not everyone has a gay best friend, and not every gay person is carefree and full of pithy wisdom. Being gay is not a fad, and it should be seen for the struggle that it is. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, LGBTQ people are three times more likely to have mental illness, and suicide is one of the leading causes of death. This is in addition to a variety of health issues, including substance abuse and physical abuse by partners. There’s nothing lighthearted about that.
Fourth, Hollywood tells you love means never having to say you’re sorry.
This lie has been around since the 1970’s film Love Story. Show me a man who never says he’s sorry, and I’ll show you a very angry woman, and vice versa. As Christians, we should be well acquainted with two things: we are sinners, and we need forgiveness. Healthy relationships require admitting fault and seeking forgiveness. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” People in close relationships are bound to hurt each other because we are human. Sometimes the only way to bring healing is to say “I’m sorry.”
Fifth, Hollywood tells you the right person will fulfill you.
Well, they have one thing right. But that person is not a perfect mate. The only person who can fulfill your every need is Jesus Christ. No one will fulfill your life, except Him. Jesus said, “I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Jesus is perfect. Your partner isn’t. Don’t expect a human to do what only God can do.
Love’s Creator
To Hollywood, love is sex. Love is chemistry. But love is far more than that. To find out the true definition of love, let’s ask the one who made it—God. First John 4:8 says, “God is love.” He doesn’t just command that we love. He is the essence of love. So the first definition of love is to have a character that reflects Christ. And just so we wouldn’t get confused, Paul gave us a very clear definition of what that looks like in 1 Corinthians 13:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
This definition requires that we take the focus off ourselves. It serves. It considers others. It always puts another person’s well being ahead of our own. If we expect to experience real love, we can’t always be concerned about our own interests. And yet somehow, even when we put our own needs last, when we love others, they still get met.
What about you?
Think about the relationships in your life. How do your actions define love? Are they similar to the biblical definition or are they lacking?
Instead of looking to Hollywood for the answers about love, find out more from scripture. There are some beautiful love stories in those ancient pages. Read the book of Ruth about a poor young widow who takes care of her grieving mother-in-law. Eventually Ruth meets Boaz, and the rest is history. Read the Song of Solomon and eaves drop on the poetic love song of two lovers. Notice the way they honor each other not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Finally, read John 10, where Jesus explains how He loves us like a shepherd, and even gave His life because He loves us so much. There is no greater love than that.
Copyright © 2020 by Sabrina McDonald