Life is busy for everyone during the child raising years. School sports games, band concerts, and extracurricular activities have a way of taking over the family calendar. This is especially true for blended families because we have all the normal family busyness combined with the special needs of blended families. These are thing like exchanges with the other parent and shuffling between households.
So most blended families don’t find a lot of bonding time. But memories of togetherness are an important ingredient for any family to bond. And in stepfamilies, where bonding is more difficult, we need times when we can enjoy ourselves all together.
But with all the hustle and bustle of life, how can a stepfamily find those moments to bond? It’s difficult, for sure. We have to be intentional and make opportunities, and that means keeping your eye open for those openings when they present themselves.
Maybe a rainy day cancels a game. Maybe the winter snow closes down school for a few days. Maybe summer provides a break in the schedule. Use these anomalies in the calendar to your advantage and create some space for stepfamily bonding.
How to bond with your stepfamily
A bunch of people together always has the potential of creating tension, especially with the variation in personalities that all families have. You add that with the complications of stepfamily life, and sometimes what you wanted to be a fun memory-making event turns into World War III.
So here are a few ideas to keep in mind when you do find a few hours of unscheduled time together.
- Keep the atmosphere light and simple.
Social media and Pinterest are full of creative and uncomplicated ideas for family fun. If your family bonds that way, go for it. (By the way, I’m jealous.)
But if your family is like mine, the moment I mention a creative idea, I hear the droning choir of voices crying, “This is so dumb. I’m not doing this.”
To some, “creativity” sounds like “work.” So to avoid a “how to bond with your stepfamily” fail, keep your ideas simple, and your expectations low.
When the weather got warm, my family started eating dinner on the back patio. And just as we were finishing our meals and putting our dishes away, I plopped down the Chinese checkers board before everyone could leave. It was easy and simple, but mostly it created a place where we could tease and make memories without hurting feelings.
- Go for family walks.
Fresh air and sunshine changes a person’s mood. When everyone gets stir crazy and cranky, going for a walk can put some space between you while also enjoying God’s beautiful creation.
My outdoorsy husband bonds with the kids by pointing out types of trees and animal trails along our walks. We took a stroll across a dam on the Arkansas River, and Robbie gathered the kids to explain how the lock and dam work to let water and boats through.
- If you’re the stepparent, earn points by providing treats.
Robbie has surprised the kids by bringing home cookies, cakes, candy, and one night we drove through for some frozen custard. It was nice to get out of the house and support local businesses. But mainly, I had fun watching the kids endeared to Robbie’s thoughtfulness.
- Give everyone space.
Any family has a variety of personalities—some introverted, others extroverted—so not everyone will like the idea of family bonding. Combine that with the complications of stepfamily relationships and four walls, especially during extended days inside, and personal space becomes paramount. It’s important to make sure everyone has a place to get away and chill out from time to time.
This gives everyone a way to sort out their feelings. They can listen to soothing music, read a book, or take a nap. Sometimes a timeout is all you need to feel better.
- Be the first to apologize when bonding attempts backfire.
Any attempt at having fun is going to go haywire sometimes. It often feels inevitable that someone is going to get their feelings hurt and ruin the precious moments you have together.
So, if something blows up, be the first to apologize. Even if you’re right, and you know you’re right, there is always something you can apologize for—insensitivity, tone of voice, impatience. No one is going to handle this life perfectly. When you apologize first, it softens the heart of the other person, and that creates an opportunity for empathy and reconciliation.
Don’t seek perfection in your blended family
These five tips won’t create a perfect blended family. There’s no perfect recipe for how to bond with your stepfamily.
But they might give you a few treasures to take with you into the future. At the very least, you kids and stepkids will know you tried. And they will always appreciate that, no matter how imperfect it may be right now.
Copyright © 2020 by Sabrina Beasley McDonald. All rights reserved.