“I was just tired of my boring life,” Brenda confessed as we sat at the lunch table sharing our family stories. Her kids were grown, and her husband seemed aloof and uninterested in joining her in her empty nest adventures. So, Brenda decided to make a drastic change—divorce. She thought a new husband would give her fresh excitement.
Everyone, including her husband and children, was shocked when she served divorce papers. Regardless of his imperfections, her husband was a faithful devoted spouse. Ignoring everyone’s advice, Brenda ended the marriage and remarried shortly after.
For several years, Brenda suppressed her doubts and fears. Her children wanted little to do with her, but she could still see her grandkids, and she could even spend time with her ex-husband who still loved her.
But then something happened that Brenda hadn’t considered or expected. Her first husband announced he was getting remarried. “I cried uncontrollably for days,” Brenda said. Nothing could console her, not even her new husband.
You see, deep down Brenda thought she could maintain the option that one day she could go back to her “old life” and restore what she lost. But now, with her first husband remarried, the door was closed. There was no going back. Brenda could no longer hide her doubts, fears, or the guilt she felt for causing such a rift in her family. “It was all my fault,” she sighed.
Thankfully, Brenda was attending an event to help her accept her new life and deal with the consequences of her choices. And she was learning to embrace the grace that God was showing her through these troubled times. But I wish someone had reasoned with Brenda during her personal crisis and spared her so many troubles.
A Heavy Burden
Divorce in couples over 50, sometimes called “gray divorce,” is growing in our society. According to The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, the rate of divorce for people in this age demographic doubled between 1990 and 2010, even while other demographics stabilized. 1
Clearly, not all gray divorces are the result of purely emotional decision making. But research confirms that ending marriage in this demographic happens for the same basic reasons as younger people. Most don’t cite affairs, abuse, or abandonment. Rather, the most common issues are topics like unhappiness and financial difficulties.
Sadly, these are problems with practical solutions. Most couples aren’t trapped between choosing divorce or enduring a miserable lifetime. There are many ways of getting help. But often, couples end their long marriages before any real effort is made.
Reconsidering Divorce
If you are living in the empty nest and thinking about divorce, I hope to help you reconsider. What people in troubled marriages often don’t realize is that divorce comes with its own painful consequences. Most believe if they wait until their kids grow up, the split will be easier. But that’s not the case. Let me give you some reasons to avoid splitting up and restore hope in your marriage.
First, adult children are hurt by divorce. Some married couples hang onto their relationship for the sake of the children, waiting until they turn 18 and can get out on their own. These couples mistakenly believe that their influence over their children is done at that point.
In reality, your children don’t need you less; they need you in different ways. True, you no longer have direct control over their lives, but now they need you as a mentor to help them through their own marriage difficulties and child raising years.
Solomon shared advice with his grown son on the value of aged parents: “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old” (Proverbs 23:22). As a couple, you have as much to offer now as you did when your children were young. And that includes the example of a long-lasting marriage.
Second, life becomes a complicated web. Let me draw you a mental picture to compare the family before divorce and the family after. Imagine a string between you and your spouse. Now imagine a string connecting each of your children to the marriage. That’s your family now (assuming you are in a first-time marriage.)
Now let’s draw a picture of life after divorce. Imagine a line between you and your new spouse and a line between you and your old spouse and a line to that person’s new spouse. Now imagine lines between all those parents, stepparents, kids, and grandkids. It’s a spiderweb of relationships!
Divorce and remarriage don’t make life easier. They actually make life more complicated. And you and your spouse aren’t the only ones affected. The entire family feels the brunt of it, from the adult children to the grandkids. Holidays get more complicated. Time with grandkids is split up. Adult kids can become embittered and “punish” parents.
Third, you are likely to experience emotional trauma and regret. God’s grace covers divorce, no matter who’s at fault. It’s not the unforgiveable sin (Matthew 12:30-32), and you won’t go to hell for remarrying (Matthew 19:7-8). But that doesn’t mean there won’t be painful natural consequences for splitting a marriage. Just like poor Brenda, sometimes the pain of those consequences don’t come until it’s too late.
Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.” If you plant sunflower seeds, you will get sunflowers. If you end your marriage in divorce, you will have painful emotional results.
Fourth, it’s a biblical concept to keep promises, forgive and forget, and turn the other cheek. There are a few good reasons to get a divorce like abandonment, abuse, and unrepentant repeated affairs. Sadly, though, these rarely make the list of reasons for divorces in the United States.
In the book Fighting for Your Marriage, psychologist Howard Markman says, “Our research shows that invalidation is one of the very best predictors of future problems and divorce, but that the amount of validation doesn’t say as much about the health of a relationship as the amount of invalidation does.”2
In other words, the biggest prediction of divorce is if one or the other spouse feels unappreciated. The feeling of being undervalued is the motivating factor that drives so many people break their vows and break the foundation of their families.
If you are a Christian, and you find yourself in a marriage where you feel invalidated, here is my challenge for you. If God tells us to love our neighbor has ourselves, keep our promises, forgive, and turn the other cheek, shouldn’t that include a spouse? Our culture makes a big issue out of treating others with kindness, loving others, and giving grace. Those are all good things. But why doesn’t our culture apply that to marriages, as well?
If you’re thinking about a divorce, consider if this is a case for turning the other cheek and offering forgiveness. Jesus said, “If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15). Our first option should always be to forgive, not just for our sakes, but for the sake of the gospel. Show the world what forgiveness looks like; show them that unconditional love is possible on this earth.
It’s Worth the Extra Effort
When you’ve been hurting for a long time, it may be hard to see how your marriage could ever find healing. But it’s possible. If you pursue the websites of any marriage ministry, you can read the testimonies of husbands and wives who had given up on their marriage, but then God does something miraculous. And that miracle usually comes in the form of a book, speaker, or other resource.
It’s worth extra counseling with your pastor or therapist to create a better relationship. Read relationship books, attend marriage seminars, fill out personality tests—all of these tools will help you better understand yourself and your spouse. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids and grandkids. Your marriage is the root of the family you have created together, so take good care of it. What happens in your life affects everyone else, too.
End Notes:
- https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/67/6/731/614154?login=false
- Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce. United Kingdom: Wiley, pg. 50